I’m getting sick of cows.
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\nThey are big, they are stupid, and they leave stupendous piles of crap on the trail that I inevitably step in.
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\nThe other day I was on my morning hike and had to navigate through a rather large gathering of cattle — many females, a few babies and a single large, majestic Angus bull. I smooth-talk my way through the herdlet and move on down the trail when a large, very pregnant cow comes storming out of the underbrush and stops square in front of me on the trail.
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\nThis is odd and a bit scary: cattle ALWAYS run away. Well, adult bulls rise slowly as if they’re doing you an enormous favor by lifting their bulk onto four hooves, then wander casually away as if to say “oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me about that grass I hadn’t grazed just up the hillside over there.” It’s humiliating for a bull to be hurried. A guy thing.
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\nBack to my cow: Last time this happened I tried yelling at the cow and it just made her madder and more aggressive. This time I raised my hiking poles in the direction of her nose and that seemed to hold her off, but she didn’t cede an inch of trail.
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\nI resorted to sweet talking her: “that’s a nice cow, everything’s gonna be OK, just stay calm and nobody gets hurt,” softly, like a mental health counselor asking how her mother is the root of her hostility.
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\nAfter a minute or two of this I was able to persuade her that I was not a mountain lion, apparently. I moved toward her and she moved out of the way.
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\nAs I walked away I noticed my ankles were shaking a bit. Geeze, talk about humiliating: the cow had given me a genuine scare.
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\nI passed this story along to my wife, who told me that when a female bovine is giving birth, a sister cow often will stand guard and attempt to ward off predators.
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\nSo that explains it. What I’ve learned from two years of hiking around cattle is that they are not aggressive, do not stand their ground, and flee at the slightest threat. The biggest, baddest-looking bull is harmless (though I’ve never tried to provoke one). Baby bovines are cute as hell and may try to follow you around.
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\nIf you see a bunch of babies around, it means it’s calving season and there may be births happening nearby. Which means don’t be surprised if a cow rushes at you with a mean, intimidating look on her face. She’s just doing her job (naturally, bulls can’t be troubled with such trivial duties as protecting a birthing mother. It might upset their sperm count.)
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\nThere’s no sense trying to outrun a cow: you can’t. Which means if you’re confronted with the rare aggressive female blocking the trail, all you can do is hold your ground and give her time to figure out you’re not a threat. Cows are extremely thick-headed, so this takes awhile.
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\nOnce it’s all over you can thank all those right-thinking consumers of free-range beef for enabling park districts to rent their lands to cattle ranchers.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m getting sick of cows. They are big, they are stupid, and they leave stupendous piles of crap on the trail that I inevitably step in. The other day I was on my morning hike and had to navigate through…<\/p>\n